Preview...manga?

I was hoping to make a manga/story of this twosome.

In this scene, Jack looked in Jori's eyes and saw that it is not Jor herself, it is the Rat controlling her actions. He smiled as she rushed toward him. the Hare inside him asked if he wanted proection but Jack shook his head still smiling. Jori snarled as she hit him with full force in his stomach causing him to fly in the air. Bending her knees, Jori leaped after him, contuing her bersherk attack. In her left hand, Jack saw that the Rat had actived her specaltiy: BlackHole...

He stared in her eyes again and try again to contact the shy Jori he had known all his life. His Blue-green eyes stared in her Dark Red eyes. Jori blinked. Her eyes widened and mouthed the last words Jack would ever hear for long time. "I am sorry, Jack." as she unwillngly hit him in his heart; he remembered his last memories as he hit the ground. Then he heard the Deat h beckons him as his sight began to fade to darkness.......

>< you like..? or is it bad?